Is it me or does the Australian Customs Service have me on their “Most Suspected List“, next to Bin Laden and Wacko Jacko?

It seems every time I’m incoming to or outgoing from Melbourne at the Melbourne Airport, Customs Officers always pull me aside for a “Random Check” or questioning. Regardless of which country I’m inbound from or which country I’m heading for, I’ve always had the pleasure of being subjected to some form of public display of body searching. In fact, it’s happened so often (next to always) I think there’s nothing ‘random‘ about their “Random Checking” at all…

I think I fit their Profile that probably reads “Grumpy young male of Asian-descent travelling alone. Looks idiotic to hide real intentions. Search and question thoroughly.” It doesn’t seem to happen to travelling couples and families. I wish I had a nice girl accompanying me in my travels, but hey- I’m no Kenny. Do I actually look like I’m capable of doing anything remotely dangerous to national security? The only criminal thing I’m possibly guilty of is writing boring Blog entries!

At least they’re polite enough to ask whether I’m OK with the check before proceeding, right? Wrong. During my recent trip to NZ, I was asked whether I was OK with being checked. Without much thinking, I responded “Not really, it happens quite often it’s kinda annoying.” Honest answer? Yes. Correct Answer? No. The Officer’s face became gloomy and serious… “It’s a formality to ask whether you’re OK with it or not. Just answer yes or no” to which I immediately answered “YES, SIR!” Hey- anything other than a ‘yes’ would probably end me up in a dark secluded room having something shoved up my bum by a man named Mary.

One time after passing through the Immigration check I was stopped and asked whether I was carrying more than $10,000 in cash. I wish. My honest answer was “No.” This was AFTER the kind Officer looked at my Incoming Passenger Card that had a tick at the No column that asked “Are you carrying more than AUD10,000 in cash?” Not satisfied with my initial answer, she asked me how much I had in my wallet. I answered sheepishly with what I had in there… “Erm… $15.”

Why do they always assume I can’t speak English? They always hold up a laminated card with instructions in multiple languages in my face then ask “Do you understand English?”. Erm… No, I just live in Australia without knowing a single word of English, and pretend to tutor English with AMES. Can you speak to me before assuming je ne sais pa parlais Inglais and shoving the paper in my face? A simple “Hi, how are ya, mate?” will do. Returning from NZ a few weeks ago, a baggage checking Officer pointed to a bag he thought was mine, and with his hands making a gesture of a key opening a padlock, ordered “Open” without even looking at my face. Gee, thanks for being polite, Officer.

Perhaps I’m overreacting… Perhaps I’m just venting out my frustrations and anguish over nothing. I mean, it’s their job to check out anyone suspicious, right? With 9-11 and everything else happening in the world today, I understand why security has beefed up in airports. Airports are the first line of defense for almost every country. The Australian Customs Service motto reads “Protecting Our Borders.”

In my case maybe they should change it to “Protecting Our Borders from Ben Dawos.” Maybe.

Tags: Melbourne Airport, Australian Customs, Incoming Passenger Card, Airport Security, Airport, Airport Customs, Customs Officer, Immigration, Melbourne, Suspected